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Plunder the Volcano April 19, 2010

Posted by markswill in Media, Politics, Schmolitics.

To London this past weekend where the talk was not of the impending election or even the Cleggster’s triumphant performance in the t.v. debate (Sunday’s papers outdid each other with frankly fatuous LibDem landslide predictions). No, the topic on everyone’s loose lips was volcanic ash and its likely devastating effects on mankind as we know it.

With the airlines losing £130million a day, Waitrose about to run out of Kenyan mange tout (a real worry in North London) and plucky Lord Mandelson openly contemplating sending warships to bring back stranded bullion dealers from Macao, the promise of more eruptions to come excited much speculation in my social circle. Yes, according to Prof. Bill McGuire of University College London, there is “mounting evidence” that increased volcanic activity is being caused by specific weather events such as the typhoons or torrential rains which are in turn the product of global warming. Oh yeah, and the melting ice shelves can “reduce and bend the earth’s crust” which in turn causes seismic and volcanic activity”.

This of course is very good news for the flat-earthers who are convinced we’re all, in the words of my playwright friend Mary C. “going to hell in a handbag” if we don’t immediately abandon our cars and erect windfarms on top of every hill in sight, but in the meantime I’m furiously putting the finishing touches to a series of inter-locking short stories revolving around disparate knots of mankind stranded abroad by ash clouds from the unpronounceable Icelandic eruption: It will be called ‘Tall Tales from Under The Volcano’ and I confidently expect it to become a t.v. mini-series in the style of Lost or 24, thereby making me a fortune which I shall squander on large, powerful cars and motorcycles with lethal emission rates.

However more seriously – well actually what could be more serious than me becoming fabulously wealthy on the backs of other people’s misfortunes? – I don’t think I met a single soul in London who didn’t have a friend, relation or colleague stuck in some foreign clime unable to return home to our depressing election campaign and shagged-out economy. (And an economy likely to be further reamed if Waitrose really does run out of amusing little culinary fripperies and BA finally goes bust). Indeed I am writing this on the chuffer back from London a day earlier than anticipated because the highly important media moguls I had meetings with couldn’t get their Learjets out of Monaco last night.

Interestingly enough, or sort of, a backlash is now developing against not just ashen-faced (sic) Brown for failing to address the collapse of Britain’s civil aviation industry, but also Cameron and even Clegg the Wonder Puppy for not picking up the baton he couldn’t even see.  Needless to say this sentiment was most loudly articulated in The Mail on Sunday but if, as this morning’s media was suggesting, flights could be grounded for several weeks more, then pity the foolish politician that doesn’t at least promise to Do Something About It before we go to the polls on May 6th.

As you’ll know from my last blog, or rather the responses to it (and thanks again to Mary C.), I shall be voting Monster Raving Loony this time around, but I might just be tempted to change my mind by any more mainstream politico who threatens to invade Iceland and put a cap on the volcano (as opposed to their reckless bank lending), or pipe all that hot air into specially converted but now redundant oil tankers and ship it over to Blighty to warm all those council blocks left freezing this summer by global warming.

But perhaps it’s merely a conspiracy theory for I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing was (literally) stoked up by the Icelandic government to teach us a lesson for demanding our cash – as opposed to our ash – back?

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1. Old Hack - April 20, 2010

Interesting that the AGW mentalists are now desperately claiming that puny little man is now causing the very earth to quake and volcanos to blow their tops. No doubt when that errant suicidal asteroid eventually strikes and wipes us all out, that will be our fault too.
At least it will be Mark’s fault thanks to that ‘orrible old Lancia!

markswill - April 22, 2010

You may not be surprised to hear that the “‘orrible old Lancia” is about to be sold off, which in turn means that all will soon be right with the world. If, that is, I can find someone willing to buy the damn thing. So you all know what to do: best offer over £3k gets it!

2. WTK - April 20, 2010

My Gad, Lads! Is this diatribe from the same gentle folk that seemed to enjoy the comfort that outlandish taxes offer the working class?

Is there a wonder why the majority of the US public are sick of Mr. Empty Suit Obama and his personally-sponsored $13 Trillion Debt? He sure can talk smooth, tho, eh?

Why soon the Tea Party will be comprised of over 30% of US voters, and yes, they are largely white, educated, and don’t depend on other working folks to buy their food or splint their leg.

AND, just what maniac gave the okay to that volcano to spew more SO2, particulate matter, CO2, CO, and other detris than mankind has produced in the last 5 years? Where is that fiend that flies in the face of so many government grants to stout academics to prove that MAN is guilty of warming our orbital cave?

And lastly, isn’t it just grand to be a part of one government comprised of so many interestingly diverse nations where faceless bureaucrats determine who, what, where, and how many may board a plane and fly—damn the facts, Man, taxi to a stop!

I did catch some of the debate and found it greatly refreshing, for a change. And no, I am not a dissident…I am actually attempting to nurture an ability to think for myself but there are few resources available either side of the gang plank…

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