Plunder the Volcano April 19, 2010Posted by markswill in Media, Politics, Schmolitics.
To London this past weekend where the talk was not of the impending election or even the Cleggster’s triumphant performance in the t.v. debate (Sunday’s papers outdid each other with frankly fatuous LibDem landslide predictions). No, the topic on everyone’s loose lips was volcanic ash and its likely devastating effects on mankind as we know it.
With the airlines losing £130million a day, Waitrose about to run out of Kenyan mange tout (a real worry in North London) and plucky Lord Mandelson openly contemplating sending warships to bring back stranded bullion dealers from Macao, the promise of more eruptions to come excited much speculation in my social circle. Yes, according to Prof. Bill McGuire of University College London, there is “mounting evidence” that increased volcanic activity is being caused by specific weather events such as the typhoons or torrential rains which are in turn the product of global warming. Oh yeah, and the melting ice shelves can “reduce and bend the earth’s crust” which in turn causes seismic and volcanic activity”.
This of course is very good news for the flat-earthers who are convinced we’re all, in the words of my playwright friend Mary C. “going to hell in a handbag” if we don’t immediately abandon our cars and erect windfarms on top of every hill in sight, but in the meantime I’m furiously putting the finishing touches to a series of inter-locking short stories revolving around disparate knots of mankind stranded abroad by ash clouds from the unpronounceable Icelandic eruption: It will be called ‘Tall Tales from Under The Volcano’ and I confidently expect it to become a t.v. mini-series in the style of Lost or 24, thereby making me a fortune which I shall squander on large, powerful cars and motorcycles with lethal emission rates.
However more seriously – well actually what could be more serious than me becoming fabulously wealthy on the backs of other people’s misfortunes? – I don’t think I met a single soul in London who didn’t have a friend, relation or colleague stuck in some foreign clime unable to return home to our depressing election campaign and shagged-out economy. (And an economy likely to be further reamed if Waitrose really does run out of amusing little culinary fripperies and BA finally goes bust). Indeed I am writing this on the chuffer back from London a day earlier than anticipated because the highly important media moguls I had meetings with couldn’t get their Learjets out of Monaco last night.
Interestingly enough, or sort of, a backlash is now developing against not just ashen-faced (sic) Brown for failing to address the collapse of Britain’s civil aviation industry, but also Cameron and even Clegg the Wonder Puppy for not picking up the baton he couldn’t even see. Needless to say this sentiment was most loudly articulated in The Mail on Sunday but if, as this morning’s media was suggesting, flights could be grounded for several weeks more, then pity the foolish politician that doesn’t at least promise to Do Something About It before we go to the polls on May 6th.
As you’ll know from my last blog, or rather the responses to it (and thanks again to Mary C.), I shall be voting Monster Raving Loony this time around, but I might just be tempted to change my mind by any more mainstream politico who threatens to invade Iceland and put a cap on the volcano (as opposed to their reckless bank lending), or pipe all that hot air into specially converted but now redundant oil tankers and ship it over to Blighty to warm all those council blocks left freezing this summer by global warming.
But perhaps it’s merely a conspiracy theory for I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing was (literally) stoked up by the Icelandic government to teach us a lesson for demanding our cash – as opposed to our ash – back?
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