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Killing-off the Biker Hordes April 14, 2009

Posted by markswill in Cars and Bikes.

Who can blame folks for hating motorcyclists? They dodge dangerously between us as we sit in our Mondeos waiting for the jams to clear, accelerate effortlessly and infuriatingly around obstacles and scare us witless when they roar past as we pootle at a steady and above all safe 53mph along otherwise deserted country A-roads. Dressed like multi-coloured spacemen or dread-locked Mad Max-types in greasy black leather, these ‘ton-up’ boys and their peroxide blonde jezebels seem to mock us with their jovial banter when we stop for flap-jacks and bottled water at Corley Services. So it’s reassuring to know that ongoing legislation is fuelling a steep decline in motorcycle ownership and soon we will be entirely rid of these reprobates.

                 Our admirably responsive government has steadily increased the complexity and cost of youngsters smitten by the insidious lure of two-wheeled ‘kicks’ getting their licence to enjoy them, and the prohibitive price of insurance has added a further, welcome deterrent. (Our shrewd American cousins set an example earlier this year by outlawing sales of all ‘youth motorcycles’). At the other end of this vile spectrum, older ‘bikers’, equally repulsed by the financial penalties rightly imposed on them for insuring the garish ‘superbikes’, find that the plethora of speed cameras judiciously placed along their favourite highways soon render their machines, if not their licences, impotent.

                  Unfortunately, many of these motorised ‘speed fiends’ thought they could still get their perverted thrills by abandoning the tarmac their obscenely powerful machines were designed to terrorise in favour of ‘mudplugging’. Happily, groups of public spirited libertarians banded together to pressure governments both local and national to address the innocuous-sounding practice of ‘green-laning’, and the results are encouraging. Although Britain’s 17,000-odd so-called ‘trailriders’ once enjoyed the ancient byways that they spuriously claim their forebears rode for many decades, wiser heads prevailed and a law passed in 2006 effectively slashed by half the mileage available to them. (They can now only access 2% of the nation’s unsurfaced byways, let’s hope it’ll soon be 0%).

                   This had the additional benefit of increasing the traffic on the remaining ‘green-lane’ network to the point where it has become over-used, worn out and even damaged, thus justifying local authorities closing them to vehicular traffic because they can’t afford to repair them – much better to spend our taxes on more road signs and magazines telling us how much they care about us. As a consequence, many ‘trailriders’ are hanging up their helmets for good, frustrated by the lack of anywhere left to ride, and the relative powerlessness of the toothless trade bodies and/or the only organisation championing their so-called right to ride which, unlike the morally righteous institutions who oppose them, lack the singlemindedness, marketing savvy and political cunning to further their unjust cause.

                   By co-opting politicians of every stripe to their cause – after all, woe betide the MP who doesn’t list ‘walking’ and/or ‘country pursuits’ amongst their hobbies – the noble champions of this entirely justifiable intolerance of all things motorised and two-wheeled are increasingly outgunning last-ditch attempts by the dwindling band of battle-weary activists to keep ‘green-lanes’ prone to the ruination of rural tranquility that all right thinking people abhor.

                   So within just a few years the remaining green-lanes will be stilled to the bark of exhausts (save of course those of the massive farm tractors which have been erroneously blamed for damaging sensitive surfaces far more effectively than any motorcycle could) or allowed to become overgrown to the point where even horses can’t be ridden along them (in the process tearing up moist surfaces that stymie the spandex-clad ninnies who ride mountain bikes) and the countryside will be safe for us to drive our Range Rovers into scenic car parks where we can enjoy a packed lunch of the finest comestibles Sainsburys can provide and perhaps take a gentle stroll up a thoughtfully paved ‘footpath’ before heading home.

                   There remain of course a few misguided cretins bemoaning the loss of previous so-called rights and liberties, and even some who might claim that the so-called rural economy suffers at the loss of free-spending motorbicyclists who cannot bring everything with them when they go for a weekend of hitherto legalised devilry either on or off-road. Fortunately public opinion will continue to turn against them: After all, is it not infinitely preferable that those who might otherwise have taken up so-called ‘two-wheeled fun’ instead spend their time safely Twittering on Facebook with their myriad and very real friends who share values so much worthier than some spurious ‘entitlement’ to enjoy themselves in the open-air? As for the beleagured small filling station, B&B and shop owners, well like the social deviants who patronised them, in this age of Wal-Mart, Tesco and good-old corporate homogeneity who, quite literally, needs them?

Go on then, comment on this, sign-up for my Blog delivery service or visit my website using the links on the right.

                                                                                    (c) Mark Williams 2009




1. Pete - April 15, 2009

Quite right. And somebody should outlaw the Zero X electric motorcycle currently being peddled through those mercenaries, 50 Cycles. In addition to all the well made points above, this fiendish creation will mean that nobody can claim compensation for deafened sheep, cattle and dogs and it may wrongly focus attention on those inoffensive murmurings from Massey Fergusons, Chinooks, and 40 ton quarry vehicles.

2. Terry - April 15, 2009

I think the MP’s believe that motorcycles make the sheep skittish. Consequently, it is more difficult to pull the Wellies on the rear legs to pursue their weekend pleasures. This is only my opinion.

3. Johnny - April 16, 2009

When I was young, our local vicar, the Reverend ‘Todger’ Perkins, a man, as they say, of parts, realised that if one cannot beat them one can at least suggest they join. To which end he organised an annual ‘blessing of the bikes’ at our parish church. What scenes they were: leather-jacketed ‘rockers’, their blonde, en-beehived consorts each astride a throbbing engine, grease dripping from ‘duck’s arse’ haircuts and machines alike. And all united in rousing choruses of ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ and ‘Jerusalem’ before the congregation roared off towards the Ace Cafe. ‘Hell’s angels’ indeed. ‘Todger’ of course has long since gone to his eternal reward, after several years of missionary work in Thailand. And the ‘bikes’ have doubtless gone to theirs, thanks to the local junkyard. And aren’t we all, I fear, getting ever closer to doing our own ‘ton’. Golden years indeed.

4. Ian - April 16, 2009

So true. 4 wheels good, 2 wheels bad. It’s obvious isn’t it? Bloody deviants shoot the lot of em.

5. samsonioni - April 16, 2009

Notice to all area sales managers and Barry Sheen wannabes who have bought bikes to beat that horrid restless male menopause feeling. In case you were thinking of howling down the A44, please note that villagers along the way have strewn the highway with axle grease, calthrops, loose gravel and ball bearings, and that those yellow notices saying bikers beware mean exactly what they say. In these half-forgotten rustic fastnesses, where protein is short and tempers shorter, there are many delicious folk recipes for biker en blouson. Bon appetit!

6. Gus - April 16, 2009

Superb !
When I were but a lad there was a chap who used to write lurid tales about riding fast motorcycles, taking drugs and hanging out with motorcycling members of bands such as The Pretenders.

Reading that sort of thing probably wrecked my life !

It’s good to see he’s got sensible as he’s aged

7. Pooh - April 17, 2009

Mark Williams was always an antidote to the banallity that surrounds us….once again he hits at the forces of Greyness and questions why we’re no all watching Simon Cowell being a C**t for the millions

Welcome back Mark mate…Iv’e missed you so much

8. Jules - April 29, 2009

Driving the young into 4 wheels does have a hidden cost and that is the lack of doner organs. At least the high prices of 2 wheeling is ensuring that the condition of said organs is of a high quality and only slightly saturated in bad fats but other wise maintained on fine wine and virgin olive oil. The problem is these replacement organs are getting older.

Re-introduce the FS1E and that killer kwacker 250 and the right for all fit, doner card carrier, 17 year olds to freely contribute to society in a positive way.

9. DickP - April 30, 2009

For most of the 20th century motorcycle sales went up whenever there was a recession, purely because it was cheaper than running a car. However between the anti-biking bureaucrats (hi Westminster Council), the insurance companies and the manufacturers (who stopped making anything sensible between a moped and a proddy racer) it looks like this time it’s not going to happen.

10. Prosper Keating - June 2, 2009

Unfortunately, Green Fascism – and its fellow traveller Safety Nazism – has replaced the old cudgel-wielding variety as the new opiate of control freaks, sociopaths, nosey-parkers and all the other people we used to beat up at school. Expressing doubt about global warming – or the benefits of seatbelts and airbags on motorcycles – will soon be on a par with doubting the Holocaust.

Sales of motorised two-wheelers are on the rise in some European countries as a result of the economic situation – ref: DickP – and anti-car attitudes on the part of municipal authorities. In France, any monkey with a car licence can ride any scooter or motorcycle up to 125cc without any restrictions. Kids delivering fast food are bad enough but the real menace – to other roadusers and to themselves – are middle-aged men who’ve replaced the company car with a scooter.

I tend not to shed any tears when a scooterist piles in, as long as it’s not a pretty girl who might improve the gene pool, but the problem is that every time one of these idiots kills himself or someone else on a scooter capable of 70 mph-plus, it is recorded as a “motorcycle accident” and the hammer falls again upon the nail in the coffin of motorcycling.

Green Fascism or Eco-Nazism – call it what you will – is pervasive. Every time I fire up my Vincent, there are bound to be several little grey females and their henpecked metrosexual boyfriends amongst the crowd of admirers, pointedly holding their noses or sticking their fingers in their ears in the passive-aggressive manner of such people. They’re the ones to watch: an MP or a minister gets half a dozen letters from people like that, or from the groups they form, and he feels he has to respond. Meanwhile, we all sit here, typing futile rants instead of following the enemy’s example and using similar tactics to defend our passion.

My excuse is that Williams gave me my first job in publishing. What’s yours? LOL!


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